the quiet rage...

...its the worst kind.

i am going to apologize in advance for the word vomit that is about to ensue. SO to all 2 people who occasionally look at this blog. i am sorry. but i just need to vent, what better place to do so than on the internet?

and so it begins

I have this horrible habit of not telling a story from the beginning, im going to to my best to make sure this makes sense. On april 15th of this year (2011 in case anyone forgot) i went to dinner with my dad. while we were in the car he got a phone call, and mentioned that he and i just had dinner, during the short conversation. since he mentioned me casually, it is easily deduced that the person on the other end knows me. I made the mistake of presuming that i knew them. i asked who it was, and got this look of shock. and he said "dont worry about it."

-__- really?????  because thats not suspicious at all. but i knew that if i hounded him about it i would never get the answer. Now, let me point out right here, that if he had lied here, we could have cut out about 50% of my worry time, and one crazy nightmare.

later on that night, i get a text from him saying that he wasnt prepared for that question. a text. HE WAS LESS THAN 6 FEET FROM ME!!! a few texts later he laughs it off and continues to evade my questions. so i proved my theory, that if i hounded him he wouldnt give me anything. thus i moved on to theory number 2. leave it completely alone and maybe, just maybe he'll tell me.

this brings us to the day before easter. by this time i had already deduced that it was probably someone that he was interested in. (because of the country music that could be heard coming from his room -he hasnt listened to it since he broke up with his last girlfriend and all the ones playing were sappy- and his phone alerting him that he had a text message every few seconds, logical enough?) i was talking to someone who agreed that it was prolly someone he was interested in and jokingly brought up the idea that it might be a guy. this idea stuck in my head. now i wouldnt have a problem if my dad was gay, it would be odd, but id survive.

but now that my suspicions of dating were confirmed, i began to wonder why he didnt tell me. this brings us to today May 10th (again 2011). (yes im skipping some, but im trying to make this the rather condensed version) he still hasnt told me. and at this point he doesnt really need to. for the past few nights he has come home at 11:30 or later, which is highly unusual for him.

if he had told me earlier, or at ALL that he was with someone, or that he was interested in someone or ANYTHING this wouldnt really be as much of an issue. because we could talk about it. and i could meet them and asses their threat level. now, let me say that i have not had the best of luck with parental dating. My parents split up in kindergarten (the first day actually) pretty soon mom was dating again. its pretty sketchy when i look back on it, but thats another story for another day. lets see, we'll go by parent in chronological order (keep in mind these are only the ones i know about, im sure there are more). First there was John. curly haired man who my cat didnt like, who also tried to come into the bathroom with me. to this day i do not believe he had good intentions, and to this day my mother denies that it even happened. then there was brian i believe. he was a color blind cop with 3 kids. nothing bad there, but we slept over one night after the eldest watched the three of us kids and i threw up in the middle of the night. then there was Todd. who was great. he had a son, who was a little younger than me and lived in arizona. i met him at least once. he was a great parent, apparently not too good with money and he smoked cigars occasionally. but i loved him. he was funny, i called him Toddy and he played with me. and then one day he was gone. he moved to arizona to be closer to his son. which quite honestly is understandable. then there was eric. mom dated him for a while, got pregnant, married him in vegas without telling me while i was with my dad for a weekend. he was and is an abusive ass hole who will never earn my respect. without getting into it too much -another story for another time again- mom left him and went back a half dozen times. durring one of the longer ones, while they actually started to get a divorce, she dated someone else. Rick. Richard. Ronald. Roland. No, not Roland. its inconsequential. he was the father of someone in my high school, and in my class. i was told i would only find out if i guessed who the kid was. i did. first try. my mother came home one night, well morning, at 4:30ish. needless to say i was pissed. we had a screaming match, at 4:35ish. when she got back together with eric each time she kept it a secret, and each time i found out i was devastated. im quite sure i have a problem with secrets regarding relationships because of her. i wouldnt be surprised if i have more easter eggs like that hiding somewhere just waiting until i can smell the rot.

onto my dad. the first person that i know of him dating after him and mom got divorced was jen. thankfully i dont remember a lot about her. apparently i loved her at first. and then she was horrible to me later. after a few years they split up, and she moved to PA. but they werent divorced. dad met karen, who in my opinion was awesome. she didnt try to be my mom, and she didnt try too hard to be my friend. she just let it happen, and it did. and it was great. for the first time in a while i had a stability that i LIKED. i had my own room at her house. we made apple pies together. the three of us had the same sense of humor that is SO rare. a lot of times ill tell a joke that i think is hilarious, and i just get a "eeeeeeeeeh hehehe?" and it started going downhill. im not entirely sure why. i dont know the dynamics, dad will call her crazy and i'll politely agree. isnt he crazy, arent i? i thought we prided ourselves on that. they tried to foster a baby boy. his name was jason. and we called him baby jay. he had been thrown, was mostly deaf and need a tube in his throat to breathe, and another tube in his stomach to eat.

He was looking at me in this last one here. i dont normally like kids. and i was trying to stay cold, but i melted. we all did. they didnt get him. and i think that was the last straw. like how some parents divorce after a child dies. i'll get to the full baby jay story another day. at some point dad and karen broke up and he went back to jen, and then that ended and after a while i think he went back to karen? and then it was baby jay? im all messed up. its like a confusing soap opera.

so as ive said before, havent had the best of luck with potential and actual step parents. im sure it was worse for them because they were actually IN the relationship. but i was the one getting dragged back and forth. im trying to think of the most stable thing in my life, something thats been here since the begining, and aside from my parents existing and the cheesy "my parents love for me", i cant think of anything. not a damn thing. cant something important stay the same? for ten minutes? please? its like the world is spinning around me, and i try to run to catch up, but every time i stop to see if ive made any head way, im only further behind...

SO what this rant comes down to. do i have the right to be mad, and to want to know whats going on, so i can be prepaired. so that maybe, i might have a shot at keeping up on the swirling mess around me?

please please please comment. i want your opinions. preferably BEFORE i have a battle royale with my dad.